Yesterday at yoga while lying in savasana, aka nearly sleeping laying down on your back after the hottest, most rigorous exercise you've ever had, the yoga instructor Jenna said one of the more profound things I've heard in yoga class in a while.
Let me begin by saying that my favorite thing said during savansana is from Rolf Gates (an ex-army Ranger turned yoga guru): And so we show up, burn brightly in the moment, live fully, hold nothing back. And when the moment is over and our work is done, we step back. . . and . . . let. . . go." I hear his voice inside my head often while laying on a soaking red towel and wrinkled blue yoga mat (thanks Amelia for that stellar advice about putting yoga mats in the dryer: note to self, laundromat dryers are hot as shit.)
So Jenna yesterday says: "Most people think your life has to get better so that you can feel better, but the truth is that your life GETS better when you feel better. So instead of forcing your life to get better, start right now by feeling better about yourself and your life. And then see what happens."
I like that because I'm so focused right now on the details. I would feel better if: Ben lived in MA, we would buy a house, I got better grades, etc. But the truth is that I have to feel better first and then wait for life to sort itself out. Feel better and your life will get better. But why oh why can't I stop thinking: I would feel better if my life didn't suck so much?
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
At the recommendation of a good friend who said I had to read these books, I checked out the Twilight series. I started with a casual reservation of the audio CD of the first book-- weeks later it came in and suddenly I was eagerly awaiting my car rides to and from school so that I could listen without abandon and become obsessed with the Twilight world. I was addicted and quickly commandeered the library system to get the second CD (despite it being finals week and needing to actually study) and then got the rest of the books to physically read during spring break.
Some initial comments: what a difference listening makes. Somehow hearing something makes it so much vivid and real and forces you to hear every single word. Especially when there are different voices. Sometimes my mind has linked parts of books to my drive and now having finished these books I will get flashbacks as I drive by a particular rock about that time in Animal, Vegetable, Miracle when they were slaughtering chickens or when Edward first said I love you to Bella at the baseball game. These moments make me happy.
So I think a lot about why I like certain books. Sometimes it's the setting or time, but I think most of all I love a good old fashioned romance--the pining, the longing, the desire-- I love it. And I find romance in the strangest places sometimes. I also love a good character--I love when characters seem like personal friends of mine, like extensions of my own life. I feel this way about music too. Like when I read Diana Krall The look of Love, suddenly I am typing in my Columbia freshmen dorm room John Jay 1009, looking at my poster of a French couple kissing in Montmarte and I can smell the stink of sex in 100 sq ft after a weekend with Ben. When I hear Jamie Cullum All At Sea, I'm in my eggplant, aubergine, OK fine purple Volve five years ago driving past Pilgrim lake in Ptown listening to WBOS 92.9 and I can smell the saltair and feel the longing need for someone to love and be all lost at sea with (this is very shortly before I started dating Ben.)
Anyways, I think what I most love about Twilight is how real Bella and Edward are to me. They are like close friends now. I love parts of them and I despire other parts, but I feel so close to them. Also they remind me of Ben and I and what we had in our humble (well, OK not so humble) beginnings. That love, that longing, that lust, that burning need to be with each other and kn0w everything about each other and most of all that endying love, that knowledge that you are going to be with someone forever. It's scary and beautiful and romantic and powerful all at once. And Bella and Edward get it. Ben and I were a wrong fit from the start-- like Edward he's so much older and knowledgable about the world. Like Bella I'm headstrong and stubborn and naive. Ben was obsessive and stalker like and would watch me sleep and ask my strange questions and always assumed from the day we met that I would have to move on and it would break his heart. And all I wanted was to be with him. And more things that I can't put my finger on, but I think it's mostly that surprising dedication and overprotectiveness that I felt from Ben (and Bella feels from Edward). Sometimes it's annoying and controlling, but most of the time it's overwhelming wonderful to feel that someone cares that much, feels that much, needs you that much. And it's hard to turn away from.
So that's why I like Twilight. A little counting/ranking here. Favorite: Twilight, next: Eclipse, then: New Moon and last: Breaking Dawn. I'll go into my problems with Breaking Dawn at another time. I forgive you Stephanie Meyer. I know why you had to do it. I get it. But it doesn't make me happy.
Some initial comments: what a difference listening makes. Somehow hearing something makes it so much vivid and real and forces you to hear every single word. Especially when there are different voices. Sometimes my mind has linked parts of books to my drive and now having finished these books I will get flashbacks as I drive by a particular rock about that time in Animal, Vegetable, Miracle when they were slaughtering chickens or when Edward first said I love you to Bella at the baseball game. These moments make me happy.
So I think a lot about why I like certain books. Sometimes it's the setting or time, but I think most of all I love a good old fashioned romance--the pining, the longing, the desire-- I love it. And I find romance in the strangest places sometimes. I also love a good character--I love when characters seem like personal friends of mine, like extensions of my own life. I feel this way about music too. Like when I read Diana Krall The look of Love, suddenly I am typing in my Columbia freshmen dorm room John Jay 1009, looking at my poster of a French couple kissing in Montmarte and I can smell the stink of sex in 100 sq ft after a weekend with Ben. When I hear Jamie Cullum All At Sea, I'm in my eggplant, aubergine, OK fine purple Volve five years ago driving past Pilgrim lake in Ptown listening to WBOS 92.9 and I can smell the saltair and feel the longing need for someone to love and be all lost at sea with (this is very shortly before I started dating Ben.)
Anyways, I think what I most love about Twilight is how real Bella and Edward are to me. They are like close friends now. I love parts of them and I despire other parts, but I feel so close to them. Also they remind me of Ben and I and what we had in our humble (well, OK not so humble) beginnings. That love, that longing, that lust, that burning need to be with each other and kn0w everything about each other and most of all that endying love, that knowledge that you are going to be with someone forever. It's scary and beautiful and romantic and powerful all at once. And Bella and Edward get it. Ben and I were a wrong fit from the start-- like Edward he's so much older and knowledgable about the world. Like Bella I'm headstrong and stubborn and naive. Ben was obsessive and stalker like and would watch me sleep and ask my strange questions and always assumed from the day we met that I would have to move on and it would break his heart. And all I wanted was to be with him. And more things that I can't put my finger on, but I think it's mostly that surprising dedication and overprotectiveness that I felt from Ben (and Bella feels from Edward). Sometimes it's annoying and controlling, but most of the time it's overwhelming wonderful to feel that someone cares that much, feels that much, needs you that much. And it's hard to turn away from.
So that's why I like Twilight. A little counting/ranking here. Favorite: Twilight, next: Eclipse, then: New Moon and last: Breaking Dawn. I'll go into my problems with Breaking Dawn at another time. I forgive you Stephanie Meyer. I know why you had to do it. I get it. But it doesn't make me happy.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Hopes
I find it so difficult to remain hopeful these days. I know it's going to get better and yet I find being optimistic impossible. How can I know something and yet refuse to believe it deep inside? After job interview and job interview, I have grown weary of the excitement and let-down. I know obviously that I'm not the only person going through this--and technically I'm not even the one going through it, yet that doesn't make it any better. Why is it that someone people think it's comforting to think you're not alone? "Well, I have this friend and her husband doesn't even have a job." Yeah, thanks I feel bad for her but that doesn't make my life any better. Why do we feel the need to trump each other's sorrow? Or resolve each other's sorrow? Sometimes life sucks. A lot. And no one else's experience will change that or make it better. Somehow most people think this will help. It doesn't. Unless you are one of those extremely sheltered people who cannot think outside of themself. But seriously though am I supposed to move outside of my situation and just because someone else has it worse, feel better about myself? That's just ridiculous. But then again nothing good ever came of feeling bad for oneself. So cheer up. . . if you can.
So I try not to feel bad for myself most days. But I find it hard to keep my eye on the future and the good times. Earlier in my life, my mantra was one stroke at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time. If you can't imagine getting through any period of time, try breaking it down. When I was a rower in high school, my friend and I had this saying about the last 2 minutes of a work-out. 2 minutes is approximately how long it takes to toast a bagel and that's not much time. So bagel time would be our clue in. Think about toasting that bagel. Not a long time. You can push through that. Except that becomes a problem if you have 20 min and that is 10x bagel time. But anyways, the problem with this type of thinking is that there's no focus on the future and if you keep only focused on each day you lose track of your long term goals. But perhaps I shouldn't be focusing on long term goals. Maybe we should just be living for a good day. Today. But there's this yoga studio I often go to and they are really fond of saying. Have your best day EVER today. And that just pisses me off. You can have a best ever day everyday. There's no meaning to Prana Power Yoga's best ever.
So if I'm going to live for each day, a good day, I might miss out on stuff. Like I never want to sign up for stuff at school. I never hang out with people, go to free clinics, join clubs, etc. But part of me says everyday I don't want to do that. But then I look back over the last 8 months and think shouldn't I have been more involved or at least a little (and by little I mean the most minimum of involvement) in my school. But then again maybe that's not really my goal (or should be a goal) since I would want to do it one of these 30X8 days and haven't therefore it's not important. But this is how couple's (aka Miranda and Steve) go months without sex and then think crap I should have wanted to have sex sometime in the last 6 months. So the question is: will you live the life you want to live by choosing each moment by moment how you want to live? Or do you have to step by and force yourself to do some things because otherwise you'd miss out on. Because sometimes we don't know how much we wanted to do something until we're halfway through it.
Just some food for thought on how to live.
So I try not to feel bad for myself most days. But I find it hard to keep my eye on the future and the good times. Earlier in my life, my mantra was one stroke at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time. If you can't imagine getting through any period of time, try breaking it down. When I was a rower in high school, my friend and I had this saying about the last 2 minutes of a work-out. 2 minutes is approximately how long it takes to toast a bagel and that's not much time. So bagel time would be our clue in. Think about toasting that bagel. Not a long time. You can push through that. Except that becomes a problem if you have 20 min and that is 10x bagel time. But anyways, the problem with this type of thinking is that there's no focus on the future and if you keep only focused on each day you lose track of your long term goals. But perhaps I shouldn't be focusing on long term goals. Maybe we should just be living for a good day. Today. But there's this yoga studio I often go to and they are really fond of saying. Have your best day EVER today. And that just pisses me off. You can have a best ever day everyday. There's no meaning to Prana Power Yoga's best ever.
So if I'm going to live for each day, a good day, I might miss out on stuff. Like I never want to sign up for stuff at school. I never hang out with people, go to free clinics, join clubs, etc. But part of me says everyday I don't want to do that. But then I look back over the last 8 months and think shouldn't I have been more involved or at least a little (and by little I mean the most minimum of involvement) in my school. But then again maybe that's not really my goal (or should be a goal) since I would want to do it one of these 30X8 days and haven't therefore it's not important. But this is how couple's (aka Miranda and Steve) go months without sex and then think crap I should have wanted to have sex sometime in the last 6 months. So the question is: will you live the life you want to live by choosing each moment by moment how you want to live? Or do you have to step by and force yourself to do some things because otherwise you'd miss out on. Because sometimes we don't know how much we wanted to do something until we're halfway through it.
Just some food for thought on how to live.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Things You Should Know About Me
1) I love lists. I make them. I cross them out. I find everything is better when bulleted, numbered, and ordered.
2) I have find labeling the most random things as my "favorite" enjoyable. For instance, my favorite gear, 3rd, my favorite part of 495S, the weird white Colonial house in Littleton, my favorite mug is big and yellow and stained from tea, my favorite color of Nalgene is baby blue, my favorite pair of pajamas, my favorite part of every song etc. etc.
3) I feel the need to count down everything in my life. I count steps, I count minutes of each segment of drives, I count miles/gallon, I count hours of sleep, I count things constantly!
4) I love that I drive a standard car even though I actually hate driving it. Somehow it seems so glamorous. Until you are rolling backward and hitting the person behind you, or stalling on a crowded road, or my favorite your foot getting EXHAUSTED in a traffic jam and your head just irritated from going 1st to 2nd and back to 1st
5) I love this song lyric I heard two days ago and can't stop thinking about: I'm losing the feeling of feeling unique. Maybe you have to hear the music along with it. Or maybe it's just awesome to me.
6) Did I mention my mind isn't exactly normal?
2) I have find labeling the most random things as my "favorite" enjoyable. For instance, my favorite gear, 3rd, my favorite part of 495S, the weird white Colonial house in Littleton, my favorite mug is big and yellow and stained from tea, my favorite color of Nalgene is baby blue, my favorite pair of pajamas, my favorite part of every song etc. etc.
3) I feel the need to count down everything in my life. I count steps, I count minutes of each segment of drives, I count miles/gallon, I count hours of sleep, I count things constantly!
4) I love that I drive a standard car even though I actually hate driving it. Somehow it seems so glamorous. Until you are rolling backward and hitting the person behind you, or stalling on a crowded road, or my favorite your foot getting EXHAUSTED in a traffic jam and your head just irritated from going 1st to 2nd and back to 1st
5) I love this song lyric I heard two days ago and can't stop thinking about: I'm losing the feeling of feeling unique. Maybe you have to hear the music along with it. Or maybe it's just awesome to me.
6) Did I mention my mind isn't exactly normal?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Blogging
I confess: I'm new to this. I read books, I read blogs, I read newspapers, but mostly I read med school textbooks. I never write things, but lately I've been getting this urge to write. Write about thoughts I have. Write about love stories. Write about things I read. Write about me. Write about my life. Write to express something I feel I need to express. Usually I feel narcissistic writing about myself--like why would anyone want to hear what I have to say. But suddenly, it doesn't seem so egotistical. It seems like something I should do. Something I need to do for myself. Especially since I'd prefer no one read my blog. I just want it to be out there. In space: things I think about.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)