Hopes

I find it so difficult to remain hopeful these days. I know it's going to get better and yet I find being optimistic impossible. How can I know something and yet refuse to believe it deep inside? After job interview and job interview, I have grown weary of the excitement and let-down. I know obviously that I'm not the only person going through this--and technically I'm not even the one going through it, yet that doesn't make it any better. Why is it that someone people think it's comforting to think you're not alone? "Well, I have this friend and her husband doesn't even have a job." Yeah, thanks I feel bad for her but that doesn't make my life any better. Why do we feel the need to trump each other's sorrow? Or resolve each other's sorrow? Sometimes life sucks. A lot. And no one else's experience will change that or make it better. Somehow most people think this will help. It doesn't. Unless you are one of those extremely sheltered people who cannot think outside of themself. But seriously though am I supposed to move outside of my situation and just because someone else has it worse, feel better about myself? That's just ridiculous. But then again nothing good ever came of feeling bad for oneself. So cheer up. . . if you can.

So I try not to feel bad for myself most days. But I find it hard to keep my eye on the future and the good times. Earlier in my life, my mantra was one stroke at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time. If you can't imagine getting through any period of time, try breaking it down. When I was a rower in high school, my friend and I had this saying about the last 2 minutes of a work-out. 2 minutes is approximately how long it takes to toast a bagel and that's not much time. So bagel time would be our clue in. Think about toasting that bagel. Not a long time. You can push through that. Except that becomes a problem if you have 20 min and that is 10x bagel time. But anyways, the problem with this type of thinking is that there's no focus on the future and if you keep only focused on each day you lose track of your long term goals. But perhaps I shouldn't be focusing on long term goals. Maybe we should just be living for a good day. Today. But there's this yoga studio I often go to and they are really fond of saying. Have your best day EVER today. And that just pisses me off. You can have a best ever day everyday. There's no meaning to Prana Power Yoga's best ever.

So if I'm going to live for each day, a good day, I might miss out on stuff. Like I never want to sign up for stuff at school. I never hang out with people, go to free clinics, join clubs, etc. But part of me says everyday I don't want to do that. But then I look back over the last 8 months and think shouldn't I have been more involved or at least a little (and by little I mean the most minimum of involvement) in my school. But then again maybe that's not really my goal (or should be a goal) since I would want to do it one of these 30X8 days and haven't therefore it's not important. But this is how couple's (aka Miranda and Steve) go months without sex and then think crap I should have wanted to have sex sometime in the last 6 months. So the question is: will you live the life you want to live by choosing each moment by moment how you want to live? Or do you have to step by and force yourself to do some things because otherwise you'd miss out on. Because sometimes we don't know how much we wanted to do something until we're halfway through it.

Just some food for thought on how to live.

Things You Should Know About Me

1) I love lists. I make them. I cross them out. I find everything is better when bulleted, numbered, and ordered.

2) I have find labeling the most random things as my "favorite" enjoyable. For instance, my favorite gear, 3rd, my favorite part of 495S, the weird white Colonial house in Littleton, my favorite mug is big and yellow and stained from tea, my favorite color of Nalgene is baby blue, my favorite pair of pajamas, my favorite part of every song etc. etc.

3) I feel the need to count down everything in my life. I count steps, I count minutes of each segment of drives, I count miles/gallon, I count hours of sleep, I count things constantly!

4) I love that I drive a standard car even though I actually hate driving it. Somehow it seems so glamorous. Until you are rolling backward and hitting the person behind you, or stalling on a crowded road, or my favorite your foot getting EXHAUSTED in a traffic jam and your head just irritated from going 1st to 2nd and back to 1st

5) I love this song lyric I heard two days ago and can't stop thinking about: I'm losing the feeling of feeling unique. Maybe you have to hear the music along with it. Or maybe it's just awesome to me.

6) Did I mention my mind isn't exactly normal?

Blogging

I confess: I'm new to this. I read books, I read blogs, I read newspapers, but mostly I read med school textbooks. I never write things, but lately I've been getting this urge to write. Write about thoughts I have. Write about love stories. Write about things I read. Write about me. Write about my life. Write to express something I feel I need to express. Usually I feel narcissistic writing about myself--like why would anyone want to hear what I have to say. But suddenly, it doesn't seem so egotistical. It seems like something I should do. Something I need to do for myself. Especially since I'd prefer no one read my blog. I just want it to be out there. In space: things I think about.