Yesterday at yoga while lying in savasana, aka nearly sleeping laying down on your back after the hottest, most rigorous exercise you've ever had, the yoga instructor Jenna said one of the more profound things I've heard in yoga class in a while.
Let me begin by saying that my favorite thing said during savansana is from Rolf Gates (an ex-army Ranger turned yoga guru): And so we show up, burn brightly in the moment, live fully, hold nothing back. And when the moment is over and our work is done, we step back. . . and . . . let. . . go." I hear his voice inside my head often while laying on a soaking red towel and wrinkled blue yoga mat (thanks Amelia for that stellar advice about putting yoga mats in the dryer: note to self, laundromat dryers are hot as shit.)
So Jenna yesterday says: "Most people think your life has to get better so that you can feel better, but the truth is that your life GETS better when you feel better. So instead of forcing your life to get better, start right now by feeling better about yourself and your life. And then see what happens."
I like that because I'm so focused right now on the details. I would feel better if: Ben lived in MA, we would buy a house, I got better grades, etc. But the truth is that I have to feel better first and then wait for life to sort itself out. Feel better and your life will get better. But why oh why can't I stop thinking: I would feel better if my life didn't suck so much?
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
At the recommendation of a good friend who said I had to read these books, I checked out the Twilight series. I started with a casual reservation of the audio CD of the first book-- weeks later it came in and suddenly I was eagerly awaiting my car rides to and from school so that I could listen without abandon and become obsessed with the Twilight world. I was addicted and quickly commandeered the library system to get the second CD (despite it being finals week and needing to actually study) and then got the rest of the books to physically read during spring break.
Some initial comments: what a difference listening makes. Somehow hearing something makes it so much vivid and real and forces you to hear every single word. Especially when there are different voices. Sometimes my mind has linked parts of books to my drive and now having finished these books I will get flashbacks as I drive by a particular rock about that time in Animal, Vegetable, Miracle when they were slaughtering chickens or when Edward first said I love you to Bella at the baseball game. These moments make me happy.
So I think a lot about why I like certain books. Sometimes it's the setting or time, but I think most of all I love a good old fashioned romance--the pining, the longing, the desire-- I love it. And I find romance in the strangest places sometimes. I also love a good character--I love when characters seem like personal friends of mine, like extensions of my own life. I feel this way about music too. Like when I read Diana Krall The look of Love, suddenly I am typing in my Columbia freshmen dorm room John Jay 1009, looking at my poster of a French couple kissing in Montmarte and I can smell the stink of sex in 100 sq ft after a weekend with Ben. When I hear Jamie Cullum All At Sea, I'm in my eggplant, aubergine, OK fine purple Volve five years ago driving past Pilgrim lake in Ptown listening to WBOS 92.9 and I can smell the saltair and feel the longing need for someone to love and be all lost at sea with (this is very shortly before I started dating Ben.)
Anyways, I think what I most love about Twilight is how real Bella and Edward are to me. They are like close friends now. I love parts of them and I despire other parts, but I feel so close to them. Also they remind me of Ben and I and what we had in our humble (well, OK not so humble) beginnings. That love, that longing, that lust, that burning need to be with each other and kn0w everything about each other and most of all that endying love, that knowledge that you are going to be with someone forever. It's scary and beautiful and romantic and powerful all at once. And Bella and Edward get it. Ben and I were a wrong fit from the start-- like Edward he's so much older and knowledgable about the world. Like Bella I'm headstrong and stubborn and naive. Ben was obsessive and stalker like and would watch me sleep and ask my strange questions and always assumed from the day we met that I would have to move on and it would break his heart. And all I wanted was to be with him. And more things that I can't put my finger on, but I think it's mostly that surprising dedication and overprotectiveness that I felt from Ben (and Bella feels from Edward). Sometimes it's annoying and controlling, but most of the time it's overwhelming wonderful to feel that someone cares that much, feels that much, needs you that much. And it's hard to turn away from.
So that's why I like Twilight. A little counting/ranking here. Favorite: Twilight, next: Eclipse, then: New Moon and last: Breaking Dawn. I'll go into my problems with Breaking Dawn at another time. I forgive you Stephanie Meyer. I know why you had to do it. I get it. But it doesn't make me happy.
Some initial comments: what a difference listening makes. Somehow hearing something makes it so much vivid and real and forces you to hear every single word. Especially when there are different voices. Sometimes my mind has linked parts of books to my drive and now having finished these books I will get flashbacks as I drive by a particular rock about that time in Animal, Vegetable, Miracle when they were slaughtering chickens or when Edward first said I love you to Bella at the baseball game. These moments make me happy.
So I think a lot about why I like certain books. Sometimes it's the setting or time, but I think most of all I love a good old fashioned romance--the pining, the longing, the desire-- I love it. And I find romance in the strangest places sometimes. I also love a good character--I love when characters seem like personal friends of mine, like extensions of my own life. I feel this way about music too. Like when I read Diana Krall The look of Love, suddenly I am typing in my Columbia freshmen dorm room John Jay 1009, looking at my poster of a French couple kissing in Montmarte and I can smell the stink of sex in 100 sq ft after a weekend with Ben. When I hear Jamie Cullum All At Sea, I'm in my eggplant, aubergine, OK fine purple Volve five years ago driving past Pilgrim lake in Ptown listening to WBOS 92.9 and I can smell the saltair and feel the longing need for someone to love and be all lost at sea with (this is very shortly before I started dating Ben.)
Anyways, I think what I most love about Twilight is how real Bella and Edward are to me. They are like close friends now. I love parts of them and I despire other parts, but I feel so close to them. Also they remind me of Ben and I and what we had in our humble (well, OK not so humble) beginnings. That love, that longing, that lust, that burning need to be with each other and kn0w everything about each other and most of all that endying love, that knowledge that you are going to be with someone forever. It's scary and beautiful and romantic and powerful all at once. And Bella and Edward get it. Ben and I were a wrong fit from the start-- like Edward he's so much older and knowledgable about the world. Like Bella I'm headstrong and stubborn and naive. Ben was obsessive and stalker like and would watch me sleep and ask my strange questions and always assumed from the day we met that I would have to move on and it would break his heart. And all I wanted was to be with him. And more things that I can't put my finger on, but I think it's mostly that surprising dedication and overprotectiveness that I felt from Ben (and Bella feels from Edward). Sometimes it's annoying and controlling, but most of the time it's overwhelming wonderful to feel that someone cares that much, feels that much, needs you that much. And it's hard to turn away from.
So that's why I like Twilight. A little counting/ranking here. Favorite: Twilight, next: Eclipse, then: New Moon and last: Breaking Dawn. I'll go into my problems with Breaking Dawn at another time. I forgive you Stephanie Meyer. I know why you had to do it. I get it. But it doesn't make me happy.
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